I am tired...

...of doing things in a way to please everyone else.

For the most part, I feel like I am a very laid back person. I tend to go with the flow and take others opinions into consideration. Today, I am tired of being this way.

Since November 23rd of 2009, I have done what has been asked of me. I have waited patiently, supported, encouraged and embraced the life changing decision that my fiance made. Since November 23rd of 2009, I have spent exactly 35 days of my life with him. Trying to build a life with him through 900 miles and nothing but phone calls night after night. I have encouraged when I wanted to scream, been the strong one when I wanted to cry, pushed forward when I have wanted to give up. I have done what the Air Force has expected me to as the role of a significant other, I have done what I know Zach has wanted me to because of the commitment we have made to each other. I have done what school has asked of me, spending more time on homework than I ever wanted to; I have done what work has asked of me, working with selfish and ignorant individuals, when most of the time I wanted to tell them all they don't know how blessed they are with what they have been given.

I am a mere 44 days from flying to Florida and marrying the one person that I love most in this world. I am 77 days away from packing up my life and moving it 900 miles away from the family and friends I have known my entire life. I am happy with the choices I have made, the paths I have taken, and the opportunities I have passed up. I am so close to finally being with Zach again and I feel like no one is happy for us. No one. Even though I am sure that no one it pertains to will read this, I'm going to address some things I want to anyway.

To those who think we're too young: I have spent my life watching my parents marriage. It has been happy, fun and goofy. It has also been frustrating, irritating, and tough. It has been what most people would call marriage. If you think that we're getting married, expecting every day to be skipping through a meadow full of daisies, you're wrong. There are going to be times where I want to punch him, cry with him, yell at him, and love him. It is going to be messy and difficult and we are going to disagree on a LOT of things. He is going to be unromantic and inconsiderate at times. I am going to be depressing, lazy and downright bitchy at moments. We know this. We know that its not going to be easy; we aren't expecting it to be. And yes, I know half of you are saying in your head 'You don't know exactly how difficult it is going to be and you don't know all of the challenges you will face'. You're absolutely right. But that is the beautiful part. We have picked each other to experience those things with....to go through the tough times with, to cry with, to laugh with, and to love. To those who say "Why not wait a couple more years?" My answer is this: I am done with school. I have waited a year and half already. The time that we have missed, we don't get back. I don't want to waste any more of our time together waiting. Contrary to what most people think, we may not have forever. You never know.

To those who think that I am 'not good enough': I am 21 years old. I have a great career, and will have an awesome degree in 77 days. I am a hard worker. I am good with my finances and smart with my decisions. I have had guidance my whole life from 2 people who I would consider very successful. I don't sleep around, don't have any diseases. I like to have a drink now and then, but I am NOT a party-er. I tend to be lazy sometimes and sometimes I swear more than I should. I could stand to lose 30 pounds and I'm not as girly as I could be. I tend to be loud, silly and immature at times. I could charm everyone I meet, but instead I choose to be myself and let them decide. I may not be the girl you had picked out for Zach, but I can tell you this: I love him with all of my heart. He is my best friend and I see all of the same greatness in him that you do. Isn't that a quality I have that is worth getting excited about?

To the 'you should have a wedding' crowd: We couldn't have a wedding even if we wanted to. The Air Force doesn't accomodate your wedding plans. He can get deployed at any time with as little as DAYS of notice. He can't apply for leave until a WEEK before it happens, and its not guaranteed that it will be approved. For me, this automatically says not to plan a big blowout wedding. Moving the wedding up was a mutual decision that we made for a few reasons: paperwork. We will have SO MUCH paperwork to file for the Air Force and for me that a week to do it would never been enough time. We will have a month to file all of our paperwork before I move down there instead of a week. We also have to find a house. And we need to have it BEFORE I move down there. We had talked about having a small ceremony with immediate family and then doing a dinner afterwards, but here is the issue with that: Why would we do that when his family can't even speak to each other? I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but do you realize how awkward that we be for all of us? With all of the hurt feelings and mean comments that get made CONSTANTLY, having just the immediate family is the worst idea I can come up with. My family would have to split up and take turns talking to his families just so they wouldn't have to talk. I'm not doing that. If you don't want to talk to each other, I COMPLETELY understand, but please don't stick us in the middle. That's what this would do.

To the 'you might regret not having a wedding later' people: No, I won't. We have been apart for so long now, that the only thing I can focus on and that's important to me is our marriage. Where we say our vows, how we are dressed, and who's there doesn't mean anything to me at this point. We could go to the biggest, dirtiest swamp with bugs and snakes and SPIDERS in ripped jeans and t-shirts and I would be just as thrilled that we were married then if we had a giant splendid, fancy, expensive wedding. I want to be able to call him my husband and know that from now on, we have forever to spend living our lives together and loving each other. You can not believe me and say that I won't regret it until later, but I'm telling you - I know my heart. And right now, it just wants Zach. No matter what the circumstance.

If you know Zach at all, you know that he loves me. This is what we want for each other. And the way we want to do things. It's not perfect - it's messy and busy...but I like to think of it as everything else in life. Life is messy and busy. I just wish that one person, one, would hug me and tell me that they're happy for me, despite the fact that they may not be happy with the way we want to do things. Marriage is not defined by your big fancy wedding or your huge ring....it's about what you put into it and what you expect to get out of it.

I have done what has been expected of me since November 23rd of 2009. It's my turn to do something the way I want to. If you have any inkling of how difficult it is to be a military girlfriend or spouse, you'd understand that Zach and I both deserve this.